insight & intellect

I've learned a lot at my new job. Not just career-wise, but about myself, about life, about the way people are and what makes them tick. That being said, I work with some very intelligent and insightful people. Here's some snippets from said people:


"Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour."- R. K.

"Most relationships would fall apart if we were always brutally honest."- N. S.

"If I focus on what others are doing, I'll stop focusing on doing what I need to do."- J. W.

clay & molding

Way back when, in high school art class, I remember having a few sessions on clay and pottery. When we first got the clay it was literally this huge slab. We had to use string/wire to cut through the clay, cuz there was no way a knife would be able to make a dent in the thing. Even with the string/floss/wire, it was still quite the difficult to cut. So the substance being that dense and hard to cut, you can only imagine how much more difficult it was to mold.

First you had to warm up that huge slab of clay. This wasn't one of those put-it-in-the-microwave kind of warm ups. You really had to work with it. You had to get your hands in there, knead, pound, hammer, etc. just to get it to be workable. To get it to be moldable, you had to do even more kneading, pounding, etc. It was an insane workout on your arms and upper body. To add to it all, it took a lot of time.

Every class pretty much started with this tedious process of warming up your clay. Though it may not have been as difficult as the initial session when we first cut the clay, it was still necessary to knead and pound the mound of clay so that it was workable again, since it had cooled down and somewhat hardened from the last time.
. . . . .
Been awhile since I've been on the blog scene. Life has been... well... life: ever-changing, ever-shifting, ever-growing. The past few months have been difficult to say the least. From illnesses, to family stuffs, to personal stuffs, and top that off with work, church, and everything else in between, it's been a bit of an insane rollercoaster.

And amidst all the chaos, I wonder how stubborn and hardened I must have been for God to have to go and lay down all these hard knocks just so I'd be moldable again. I know I'm stubborn at heart, always have been, probably always will be to some extent. In light of that self-awareness, I wonder how much harder I make it for God to teach because of that fact. Quite the amazed that He has yet to throw in the towel and say "Forget it. I'm done trying." I know I probably would have. Instead, He forges forward, working through the toughness and ever-patiently making slow progress, even if it's only little bits at a time.

Just some food for thought. :P

cliché
n. a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse.

. . . . .

"Hitting where it hurts."

"Time heals all wounds."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"Out of sight, out of mind."

"There are plenty of fish in the sea."

"Actions speak louder than words."

"Back against the wall."

"Whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."

"Putting it on the back burner."

"Better safe than sorry."

"This too shall pass."

"See eye to eye."

"Sound like a broken record."

"Take a step back."

"Finding yourself."

"The ball's in your court."

"Time and space."

"See the bigger picture."

"Learn the hard way."

"Make or break."

"On the same page."

"Walking on eggshells."

"Cut and run."

"It all comes out in the wash."

"Search your heart."

proverbs 3:5-6'ing

I've been here before, this proverbial fork in the road. It's a different scene, and yet eerily similar. Sensations of deja vu come and go as I assess what's going on and how I got here again. I know it's not the exact same place I was before. It can't be the same place cuz I'm not the exact same person, and how I got here is different from the last time I was faced with a similar situation. Still, the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions, are all the same, if not more magnified cuz I know that I've been through this before. And although I've been through this process before, there are still so many unknowns and I still have so many questions that are unanswered.

I'm at this point in which I know I can't go back. I know things will never go back to how they were before, no matter how much I wish they could. That being said, which way do I go to move forward? There are pros and cons of either direction, and I simply don't know where to go. I've petitioned, prayed, and even asked people to do so on my behalf. Now, I wait. I wait for God to show me which path is the right one to take. I wait for God to reveal what His desires are for me at this point in time. I wait for God to push me towards a certain direction, though I know that it'll probably be more of a prod than an actual shove in a particular way. And amidst this time of waiting, I consult others, I lean on brothers and sisters for support, I try my utmost best to be patient for God's answer.

I know at the end of it all, I need to be the one to make a decision. I need to make a choice, to pick which path I will follow. As much as I'd like to canvass opinions from others, no one will tell me what they would do or what they think I should do, cuz no one wants that kind of pressure and responsibility placed on their heads if the chosen path ends up being the wrong one. I know I wouldn't, so I don't blame them. And yet in saying that, I wish the decision would just be made for me. Not because I don't want to take responsibility in making the choice, but moreso that I really just don't know and things are so muddled that I can't seem to tell right from left, forward from backward. I think it boils down to the fact that I don't trust myself to know which decision is the right one. I'm so saturated with emotions, that often, rational thinking seems to be non-existent. And yet in saying that, I have had rational thoughts, I just don't know if they're driven by emotions. It's like my head and my heart are having a battle and I have no clue which one is winning.

Everyone that I've talked to has agreed on one thing. I need time. Time to think, time to feel, time to pray, time to simply be. It's a really painful process, but I was told that it only hurts because God is molding you. I know that whatever the end result is, whatever path I end up taking, that God will change me and that God is teaching me. If I so choose the wrong direction, I know I'll have to deal with the consequences, which is probably why it seems like such a difficult decision to make. I don't want to set myself up for future failure. If there are warning signs now, I want to be wise enough to heed them and discerning enough to avoid them. And so, I'm back to square one: I need time. There's a lot at stake and I don't want to make a brash decision on matters of the heart without input of the mind and without the guidance of my Father.

So here I am again at the fork in the road. I've been here before. Everything's different, and yet so much the same.

summertime

Summer is now upon us (though with the gray clouds and misting rain outside, you'd think otherwise). I have kind of a love/hate relationship with the summer season.

I love the weather, the warmth, the longer days. I love the activities, the sports, the ability to spend time outdoors. But on the flip side, working full-time doesn't allow me to enjoy the weather and the warmth much from the hours of 9-5/5:30... which in and of itself can be a bit depressing, wanting to be outside, but having to be inside working. The longer days and all the activities makes for a very busy week and not much time to actually relax and rest. I find that I'm so much busier during the summer months. Between church events, sports events, family and friends, there's not much time left post-work hours to do anything else. The aforementioned categories themselves don't always find a spot in the week, and it becomes a bit of a juggling act to try to find a balance between all of them. That being said, I still enjoy all of them and wouldn't want to give any of 'em up.

I'm now on summer hours here at work, which means working from 9-5:30 from Monday to Thursday and 8:30-1:00 on Fridays. It's a pretty sweet deal, and gives me some time Friday afternoons to just veg and relax before ramping up for the activities of Friday evening and the weekend. That being said, the few hours on a Friday afternoon are sometimes not enough to recuperate from the exhausting week and previous weekend. *shrugs* Apart from giving up a bunch of activities, there's not much else I can do. What's funny is that at the end of every summer season, I say to myself, "Ok, next year, try not to be so busy during the summer months." And the next year comes and though the schedule may be different, the busyness is inevitable :P

So for summer 2009, this is what my week(s) look like:

Monday
- Ultimate

Tuesday
- Date night
- Family/Friends
- Sketchpad stuff (if any)

Wednesday
- Small group (every other Wednesday)
- Family/Friends
- Sketchpad stuff (if any)

Thursday
- Ekklesia practice

Friday
- Blitz practice

Weekends are always variable cuz every weekend is slightly different. No doubt, at the end of summer I'll probably be lamenting how tired I am and how I should opt out of having so many activities in such a short timespan. That being said, guaranteed that summer 2010 will probably be just as if not more busy. :P I chalk it up to selective suppression of memories from the previous years. :)

counting

With the New Year now upon us, I figured it'd be a good thing to just stop and rest, and count my blessings of 2008. When I think about the past year, I realize that a lot happened, and there's a lot to be thankful for. So before looking ahead and figuring out what I'd like to accomplish in '09, there might be some merit in looking back first.

The count begins (in no particular order aside from the process in which my brain chooses to remember things)...

- fabulous new job... not as much glitz and publicity, but pretty darn awesome nonetheless... i mean, c'mon! nerf wars! :)

- beautiful baby niece

- lessons learned from the old job that's helping tremendously in this new one

- talent for what I do

- trip to the bahamas

- closer friendships and deeper relationships

- time spent catching up one-on-one

- Blitz girls

- Blitz TNS multisport

- Penitrace

- ETCBC

- Sketchpad ministries getting it's name and hitting the ground running

- Better By The Dozen

- etcbcvolleyball

- not injuring myself/breaking anything during the plethora of sports I've played in addition to learning to snowboard (still learning btw)

- new friendships and rekindling of old ones

- going to California, being in my cousin's wedding, seeing my cousins, spending time with nieces and nephews


I'm sure there's a ton more that I've yet to acknowledge, but this in and of itself is already a pretty comprehensive list. When I look at it, it kinda sums up everything that happened in 2008 that comes to mind. Anyway, God's been remarkably good to an undeserving child. It should be interesting to see what 2009 brings.